From: alelou123@aol.com Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 23:00:00 EDT Subject: xfc: NEW: Having My Alien Baby (1of 1) by Alelou's Evil Twin Source: xfc Title: Having My Alien Baby (Post-Requiem) Author: Alelou's Evil Twin Feedback: Alelou123@aol.com (pls. remember the 123!) Rating: R for language Category: Well, babyfic, right? Keywords: Humor, Parody Disclaimer: Not mine, and these ones aren't anybody's Summary: This is for those people who think that Scully is pregnant with an alien baby. Also for people (and we know who we are, don't we?) who talk too much about DD's penis. (This includes DD, by the way.) Also for people who've read one too many touching scenes between Scully and her mom. Scully dry-heaved into the toilet in her apartment as her mother watched with concern. "Dana, when did you find out?" "Just yesterday, Mom." "And you didn't tell me?" Scully rested her head on her arms and looked sideways up at her Mom. "What, less than 24 hours isn't enough notice?" Margaret sighed. "Well, I suppose it must have been a surprise." Scully sighed and got up on trembling legs to brush her teeth. "Well, yes, it was." "So may I ask who's the father?" "Mulder, Mom. My partner. The guy who's now missing?" "Abducted by aliens, you told me." "Yeah, abducted by aliens." "So you were sexually involved with Fox?" Scully rinsed her mouth. "Yes, Mom." "Since when?" "A couple of months ago." "And when were you planning to tell me?" "Just as soon as I got pregnant and he got abducted by aliens. I figured that would be as good a time as any." "Don't get fresh with me, Dana Katherine." "I need some crackers," Scully said, brushing past her mother and heading to the kitchen. "So what are you going to do about it?" "What do you mean?" "Give it up for adoption? I hope you're not thinking about abortion..." "Mom, this is my baby, mine and Mulder's!" "Dana, dear, I should tell you -- your father and I had a baby when I was still in high school and he was just a sailor. I went away to your Great Aunt Olive's til she was born and then I gave her up. We knew it was the right thing to do." Scully stared at her mother, aghast. "If you got pregnant after just two months of sex, I think you can assume another one wouldn't be too difficult," Margaret added. "Mom, I love Mulder and I want to have his baby!" "Dana, darling, you're not even married!" AT THE SAME TIME, 20 LIGHTYEARS AWAY: "Get up," the alien bounty hunter said, prodding Mulder. "Why, so you can do awful experiments on me?" "No, I'm taking you back." Mulder was pleasantly surprised, to say the least. "Really?" "You have more important things to do now." "Like what?" Mulder asked suspiciously. "Your partner is pregnant." "She is?" Mulder couldn't help smiling. "That's great!" "No, it's not. She's the wrong one. You're supposed to be pregnant, not her." "Uh, you might want to review your alien biology again. In humans, women do the gestation thing." "It's not a human baby." "What do you mean, it's not a human baby?" "It's an alien baby." "No way," Mulder said. "Scully and I have been fucking like bunnies for two months straight and I think I can say with absolute certainty that she doesn't have any alien lovers on the side." "When you were in the hospital this year, getting your brain propagated, that wasn't the only thing they concerned themselves with. Your testicles were also repopulated with alien hybrid spermatazoa." "No!" Mulder said, horrified. "Apparently, however, the plumbing was not rerouted properly. Alien fetuses need to grow in the abdominal cavity of a man for four months." "Then what?" The bounty hunter looked even more grim than usual. "We're not sure with a human male. In an alien, the infant bursts out through a channel leading to the belly button. Fortunately, most of us survive the experience." "So this alien fetus is going to try to burst out of Scully's belly button?" Mulder demanded, horrified. "But I can't risk losing her!" "I know," the alien bounty hunter said. "That is why we need to take you back and transplant the fetus into your abdominal cavity." "Hey, that's not--" Mulder cried, but a flash of intense light swallowed up his words. TWO MONTHS LATER Mulder laid on his side, groaning, as the hospital gurney rushed into the emergency room. "Just hang on, Mulder," Scully urged him. "I'm scared, Scully," he moaned. "You're going to do just fine," she said. The consortium-trained obstetrician was standing by. "Uh oh," he said, as he examined pale, sweating Mulder. "What?" Scully asked anxiously. "The baby has dropped." "That's a bad thing?" "Into his scrotum," the doctor said. Mulder fainted. "That's a mercy, actually," the doctor said. "He may not want to hear what I think this baby is going to try to do." "What?" "I've seen this once before, but it was not a good scene at all. Apparently, the alien baby mistakes the human penis for a birth canal. Now Scully paled. "I'm afraid this calls for the mother of all episiotomies," the obstetrician said. "I can't watch this," Scully said, faintly. She was still somewhat resentful that her cute human baby had turned out to be an alien fetus in Mulder's tummy. To lose the only other good reason to live was more distressing than she could say. She staggered out to the waiting room, where her mother was waiting. "Told you this was a mistake," Maggie said. There was a horrible shriek of pain that was unmistakeably Mulder's. Scully swore and ran back in. "Congratulations, it's an alien," the obstetrician said. "You partner has fainted again." "How is he? Is he going to be okay?" "Nothing that about a hundred stitches and six weeks of healing won't handle," the obstetrician said with a kind smile. "What are you going to call it?" he asks, handing over the writhing reptilian creature. "But I don't want it!" Scully cried. "But this is proof of extra-terrestrial life, right in your own hands," the doctor said. "Don't you guys want it?" Scully pleaded. "Nah, we lost our Federal funding," the doctor said. "And these things will eat you out of house and home. We gave you a case of free black oil formula to get you started, though." "Damn," Scully said. She stared into the alien's blue eyes and felt a peculiar stirring in her heart. "Well, it is kind of cute. Is it a boy or a girl?" "Beats me," the doctor said, stitching up the still unconscious Mulder. "Does it matter? I really don't know." "Well, I guess we'll call you 'Pat'," Scully said to the alien infant, which gurgled and hissed happily. Mulder woke up groggily and saw Scully sitting beside him, feeding a bottle of black oil to a blue-eyed alien baby and singing, "There was a little alien baby." His eyes misted over. "Oh Scully," he said. "You believe." "The truth is right here," Scully said, solemnly. "You and me and our alien baby. After all we've seen, after all we've done, I knew there was a grand purpose to the X-Files after all." THE END Please note: This is all Rachel's, Jamie's, MystPhile's & Marie's fault. (You ladies make discussing the X-Files more fun than I can say.)