Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully aren't mine.  Chris Carter owns
them. 

Category: VRA
Classification: MSR
Rating: PG
Archive: Gossamer. Others ask me.
Spoilers: Memento Mori, Christmas Carol/Emily
Feedback: I live for it.
Summary: Scully tells Mulder her deepest wish. 


"Yearning" (1/1)
by Lisa 
(haven599@msn.com)

    I credit my mother with bringing us together.  She has always
liked Mulder.  They spent time together during my abduction and
formed a bond, even though it was through pain and grief over me. 

    I remember it like it happened a few days ago instead of months
back.  My mother was in a car accident.  I stayed at the hospital 
as long as I could.  The nurses were urging me to go home and get
some rest.  I couldn't leave her, not until she awakened which 
happened a couple hours later.  She saw how tired and weary I looked
and sent me home.  That's just like her, constantly thinking of others.

   I ended up at Mulder's apartment in tears.  I told him what 
happened.  I spent the night in his arms, sometimes crying, 
sometimes sleeping.  He just listened to me and my fears.  I'm not 
really sure of the specifics, but I think it was about loss and pain.  
I sometimes refer to that as our first night together. 

    Soon after my mother recovered and the family returned to normal
we became lovers.  I planned our first night together. I wanted it
to be special and think he did too.  It was.  Like a real date, we had
dinner before and back to my apartment for, shall we say dessert.  
I think the anticipation nearly did us in.  Afterwards, he told me
he couldn't remember feeling this happy and content before.  Those
words made me cry, which isn't a good thing after lovemaking, but he
understood. He has always understood me. 

    I woke up first this morning which is a switch.  It's Saturday so
we are in no hurry.  Mulder has kind of moved in with me.  Many
of his clothes are here.  The bathroom is a mess.  I try to keep
things neat.  Some days it bothers me more than others.  I guess 
the living arrangement is still new to me.  Mulder still has his 
apartment, just returns there for items not kept at my place.  I 
assume he still wants to keep the place, we haven't talked about
that subject yet.  He can't exactly fill out change of address 
cards at work.  We'll see. 

    I still can't get warm even though I'm covered in blankets.  
I don't want to move an inch, even though Mulder's on the other
side of the bed.  I'll just have to wake him up so he can hold me. 
"Mulder,"  I whisper.  "I'm cold."

    He stirs next to me.  "Scully, isn't today the day we stay in 
bed all day?"  

    "No, that was last week, Mulder." I tell him. "Only one Saturday
a month."  He wraps his arms around me and I instantly feel warmer.

    Mom knows about Mulder and I living together.  I guess she 
doesn't object to it.  She really didn't say one way or the other.
She said she was glad I was happy.  I am.  I'm truly happy. I 
wonder if Bill knows.  He has been at sea for a few months which
is probably why Tara is calling me a little more frequently.  I 
want to be close to her, but it seems her life revolves around
Matthew.  Not that's wrong, but it seems like the only thing she
can talk about.  It just reminds me what I can't have.

    "Tara called last night."  I say.  "I really didn't need to hear
every little thing Matthew did.  I guess that makes me a bad 
sister-in-law."  

    "No, it doesn't."  Mulder tells me, pressing a kiss against 
my shoulder.  His lips are warm.  

    "I'm sure Bill has told her that I can't have children.  It 
seems she would be considerate and not talk about my nephew
every damn time she calls."  I can feel the tears in my eyes. I 
move out of Mulder's embrace towards the end of the bed.

    "Scully, tell me about it."  His voice is gentle and caring. 

    This is another subject we haven't discussed.  I know Mulder 
hasn't brought it up for fear of upsetting me.  I wish I could have
a child.  *Mulder's* child.   "I never thought much about children
until I found out I couldn't have one.  I figured that would come
later, but I'm not getting any younger."  

    Mulder takes my hand in his.  He looks into my eyes.  "You 
could adopt," he offers. 

    I somehow knew he would say that.  I guess now is a good as
time as any to tell him.  I take a deep breath and begin.  "I don't
want to adopt.  When I found out Emily was my daughter, I was 
stunned, but happy that I had a child.  She was a stranger to me 
and although I was her biological mother, I had no emotional 
attachment to her until it was too late.  I want that attachment
from the very beginning.  I want to be pregnant.  I want to be 
pregnant with your child, Mulder.  Feel it growing inside me."

    I look at him and can tell he didn't expect my frank declaration
right now.  "And that won't happen." I add softly.

**********

    Mulder held her as she cried softly. He thought about the
vials Kurt Crawford showed him all those months ago.  He still had
it.  It used to be in the refrigerator, but every time he opened it 
he thought of what happened to Scully. He couldn't get rid of it, 
since it was evidence of what they did to her.  Her cancer seemed
like a lifetime ago now.  That was also before they became lovers.
It was the only secret he had from her.

    It had to remain that way.  If he told her about it, she may 
want to try and use them to have a child.  Mulder was pretty sure 
the ova wasn't viable anymore.  They could have done something
to it to insure she couldn't conceive or the eggs could be altered. 
Emily was a perfect example.  He loved her too much to let her 
go through that again.

**********

    "Sometimes after we make love I pray.  I pray for a miracle.
A miracle child for us."  I wipe the tears away. Getting upset 
won't help any. 

    "I wish this never happened to you, Scully.  I give everything
up if it would take away all the pain and suffering you went through."
Mulder tells me.  He begins to kiss me passionately and wipes away
my tears gently.  

    He begins to undo the buttons on my pajamas.  Comfort sex.  I 
don't think we've ever done this before, but I need to feel loved 
right now.  Every time we have made love, whether it has been 
fiercely or tenderly, we give of ourselves completely.  Except this 
time.

    Our minds our focused on the discussion earlier and not the 
love we share.  

    Afterwards, Mulder holds me and whispers words I never thought
I'd hear from him. 

    "This time I prayed too, Scully.  For you. For us."  

END (1/1)
     

I debated whether to give this one a tissue warning or not.  Did I 
make the right decision? - L.