"Tears On My Heart" by Lisa 

Disclaimer: Nope, these characters aren't mine.

Category: VRA
Classification: MSR
Rating: PG
Spoilers: This Is Not Happening
Archive: Gossamer. Spookys. Further X. Others ask me.
Summary: Scully attempts closure after Mulder's death.
Thanks to: Sara Lynn for the beta help.


"Tears on My Heart"
by Lisa 
haven599@msn.com


   I feel Skinner and Doggett's eyes on me as I walk down the
hall, as if I'm going to crumble at any second. Perhaps that
would be healthier for everyone. 

   I'm making my way to the morgue to see him.  I've been in a 
morgue hundreds of times and thought nothing of it, but now I 
fear it with every fiber of my being.  

   Mulder.  Dead.  It wasn't supposed to happen this way. 

   I feel as if I shifted into the wrong universe.  There must be 
a way to get back to the correct one -- a door, key or magic word
that would set everything back to the way it should be. 

   I turn the cold knob on the metal door and walk in.  

   My breath catches in my throat.  He is lying right there on 
the first metal table.  The bag is unzipped down to his chest. 
Oh God.  I don't know if I can do this.  

   His skin is a grayish-blue.  There is a large scar down the middle
of his chest and I wonder if it continues down the length of his
body. I also wonder if I should find out.  Can I live knowing
the answer?  Can I live without knowing?

   I need to know.  Grasping the zipper, I pull it down almost 
to the end.  The sound seems very loud in the quiet room.  

   I see a lot of dried blood, which means the wounds are pretty
recent.  Blinking back tears, I see marks on his hands and feet
where it looks like he was restrained by something or someone.
 
   But I already know these things.  The injuries are very similar 
to the ones that Theresa Hoese and Ritchie's friend Gary suffered
from.  When the autopsy's done I'll know for sure.  I've already
asked to have the report sent to me.  I hope I'll be strong enough
to read it. 

   I begin to feel sick to my stomach and quickly zip the bag back
up, covering the worst of his injuries.  Finding a nearby chair, I 
pull it up next to him, tears swimming in my eyes.  

   Why did this have to happen?  Another person I love is gone
from my life.  It's not fair.  

   "Mulder, I'm sorry."  I stroke his hair, feeling so guilty 
for not being able to save him.  "I'm so sorry I didn't arrive 
sooner, but I didn't figure out Jeremiah Smith was at the camp
until it was too late." The tears are streaming down my face and
some fall onto the cold, concrete floor. "I hope you can forgive
me." 

   "I know what happened," I tell him.  "Or at least have an idea.
Theresa Hoese was returned and the doctor informed me of her
injuries. I think the same thing was done to you." 

   I wipe the tears from my eyes before continuing.  "It's all 
right, Mulder.  I know you were brave, but it was too hard for
you to hold on.  You weren't strong enough.  No one could be 
strong enough to endure that torture." 

   I put my head down on his chest and cry.  I'm not sure the 
tears will ever stop now. I have nothing left.  

   No, wait, that's not true.  I have *someone.*  Someone depending
on me.  I can't give up. 

   I raise my head up.  "You were right, Mulder.  You told me 
not to give up on a miracle.  When I was least expecting it, one
came,"  I inform him.  "I'm pregnant with our child."  

   "It was a miracle.  A miracle that you gave to me.  A part of you
lives inside me."  I touch his hair again as if he's just asleep
and will awaken at any moment.  "I will cherish this child as long
as I live."   

   I slowly rise from the chair, hesitating a moment longer. I just
can't bring myself to seal him up in this bag.  And I can't linger 
here much longer or it will be too hard for me to leave.  

   "I love you," I say softly. "Forever."  I bend down and kiss 
his forehead one last time.  

   I walk to the door and turn the knob slowly, slipping out 
quietly.  It shuts softly, but with a clicking finality.  

   Taking a deep breath, I try to compose myself before facing
anyone.  

   I place my hand on my stomach.  "We'll take it one day at a 
time, sweetie." 

++++

END (1/1)

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