The Metamorphosis
(with apologies to Kafka -- hell, with apologies to *everyone* ...)


As David Hasselhoff awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found
himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.

A cockroach, to be exact. No wimpy waterbugs here.

Automatically, he directed his multifaceted gaze down his sectioned
body, searching for the answer to the one question that would decide
his fate in his new life. But before his eyes found their target, a
voice came from his left, offering reassurance.

"Don't worry, Mr. Hasselhoff, sir," the soft, sexy voice said. "You're
still hung like a club-tailed dragonfly."

Mr. Hasselhoff, sir, exhaled in relief, then looked over at the woman
sitting in a chair beside his bed. His gaze skimmed from the top of
her shining black hair over her voluptuous curves, encased in a tight,
low-cut t-shirt and cargo shorts. What a hot babe, he thought. "Who
are *you*?" he asked suavely, happy to discover that his voice was
just as deep and sensual as ever.

"My name is Doctor Bambi Berenbaum," she replied easily, crossing her
long, shapely, bare legs and leaning forward, deepening her cleavage.
"I'm an entomologist for the federal government, and I've been sent to
study you. In detail."

Mr. Hasselhoff, sir's many eyes widened. "In detail?" he asked,
suddenly wary of this hot babe. "How so?" Then he stopped and did a
double take. "Your name is *Bambi*??"

Slowly, she laid her pen and notepad on the bedside table and lifted
her hands to her belt. "Well, you see," she replied, as her clothes
began to fall away, "I've conducted nearly every test imaginable on
every insect imaginable. Some of them several times. But there's one
thing I've never been able to test for myself."

Mr. Hasselhoff, sir, swallowed, his thin little arms and legs waving
helplessly in mid-air. "What's that?" he managed, all his eyes glued
to her swaying breasts as she moved toward him.

She smiled, something in her eyes sparking wild and feral. "Insects
are too small," she purred, climbing onto the bed and straddling his
dome-like brown belly. "You're the first one big enough for in-depth
sexual study."

Mr. Hasselhoff, sir's eyes bugged out (so to speak). "You mean ..."

"That's right," Bambi purred, bringing her face down to within inches
of his as her body lowered to cover his. "You see, I've always wanted
to experiment with human/insect crossbreeds ..."

THE END (thank the lawdy)

Author's note: I plead the fifth.